Steve Sarkisian under fire for wildly overreacting to being touched in Alamo Bowl pregame


Texas head coach Steve Sarkisian flexes his inner MC Hammer by screaming “U Can’t Touch This!” at poor Headphone Guy.

Headphone Guy made a GOB Bluth huge mistake touching Steve Sarkisian at the Alamodome.

Not only is Texas still not back, but no touching is to be had with the Longhorns head coach. For a guy who wins about seven games a season, Sarkisian overreacted like Neil Diamond tends to do backstage whenever you make eye contact with him. The man is not a basilisk or Medusa, he is a mere mortal with a mediocre mark as a football coach. He was without his Mustard son, though…

This comes as quite the shock, I know, but as it turns out, Sarkisian did not need your touch.

We have not seen a man this angry in San Antonio since the last time Gregg Popovich coached.

A touch too much: Steve Sarkisian explodes like a Live Wire on Headphone Guy

Perhaps Headphone Guy had the Midas touch? A touch too much for Sark, clearly, as nothing gold can ever stay, Ponyboy. Was he going to crumble to the ground like an empty vessel Professor Quirrell did in between stuttering and attacking Harry Potter floors beneath where Fluffy sleeps? Alohamora would have brought to light Washington has Big Penix Energy, and Texas has a mullet.

Sarkisian may be getting an Arch from the Golden Arches of America’s First Football Family in a few weeks, but chicken parm don’t taste so good when you have to eat with your face like you are bobbing for apples at Jeff Banks’ Halloween party. No amount of monkey business will cure what ails you. The only things sweeter than sweet, sweet victory yeah are prison ice cream sandwiches.

Texas is far from making doves cry. We are still finding the dead ones in the back of our model home’s freezer from time to time. Did somebody take Sarkisian’s hard-boiled eggs out from the refrigerator? We have not seen somebody erupt quite like this since Tobias Fünke blue himself. Truthfully, we did see a Blue Devil erupt on the sidelines after every time we touched for decades.

It’s a touchy subject, but is there enough money in the banana stand for a future Sarkisian buyout?

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